Becoming a Mom~ July 13th, 2006

The first time I held Sam I was so sick, I don't actually remember holding him, I remember the devastation of knowing that they were taking him away from me, and that he wasn't healthy enough to not go to the neonatal ICU. I remember feeling that I failed him miserably and that God had given me this miracle and I had failed him. I remember the shear heartbreak of knowing that I hadn't been good enough. This photo still makes me cry. I don't actually remember this moment, but I can feel how heartbroken I was, letting go of this baby that I had carried and prayed for for so long.

And then God stepped in. He gave me peace and hope. He gave me strength to get through the next 24 hours that I wasn't well enough to go see Sam in the NICU. In those hours God was with me. And I believe the memories that I don't have during that time, are the times when God just wrapped me in his arms and allowed rest and peace and healing to flow through my body uninterrupted. I have never blogged about the circumstances surrounding his delivery, or all of the complications and emotions I experienced during that time. I have never blogged about the fact that NOONE here on earth in the medical field gave him a chance at life. I have never blogged about wanting to know what his sex was so that he would have a name before he died. I never talked about these things. And I am ready to share... Prior to my pregnancy with Sam I had a miscarriage. It was absolutely devastating. We hadn't been trying, and were shocked but completely over joyed when we found out. I will never forget the excitement I had going into that first ultrasound, and the heartbreak that I felt when there was no heartbreak. And then I got pregnant with Sam. I found out I was pregnant when I was five weeks along. And I started bleeding at eight weeks. I was absolutely devastated. I ended up having ultrasounds every other day, and would go in each time expecting to not see that tiny little heart fluttering, or the squirmy little jumping bean on the screen. But I did. God allowed him to grow. And for those seventeen weeeks when I was bleeding, God made me a new person. A person who relied on Him, in ways that I never knew I could. And as I got farther along, I started to have small amounts of hope that maybe just maybe this baby would survive. And the I was seventeen weeks, and had to have emergency surgery. I was told that the anesthesia would make me go into labor and that the baby wouldn't survive. I remember being in the ICU after surgery and being in excruciating pain, I remember begging the ICU nurse to try to find the babies heart beat. And I will NEVER EVER forget the sound of that beautiful heartbeat. God had protected this little miracle AGAIN. After that specific incident we really had to find a name for him. We had several names that we really liked. We wanted a name that meant miracle. We couldn't find a name that meant miracle for a boy. Then I kept remember the scripture: I Samuel 1:27 I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him.

When Sam was in the NICU, he kept stopping breathing and having low heartrates (apnea and bradycardia). Each time that happened he would earn himself five more days in the hospital. I remember feeling like we were never going to go home.

When we researched the name Samuel, we found that it meant: "God heard", some other meanings that are out there: "requested of God", "God's heart". We totally feel like God heard our cries for our son, and saved him for us. Once we had Samuel, we moved onto the middle name. I still really wanted a name that had a special meaning, but also thought how wonderful it would be to name him after someone who we loved or who inspired us. And so we came up with the middle name of Lee. And the meaning of Lee is "shelter from the storm." And again we feel that God had protected Samuel from the storm of a very complicated pregnancy, a pregnancy in which the devil repeatedly tried to reek havoc on my body and my baby boy. But God sheltered us both. Oh the joy I felt when I got to hold him! It made the severe illness, and the fear, and the sadness just melt away. When I held the proof of God's answered prayers in my arms, my life was forever changed.

There have definitely been some challenges in the last six years, but the blessings have been amazing. I am so blessed and so thankful to call this little boy my son. I have learned to live and laugh and love through all kinds of circumstances. I have had to rely fully on God and to realize that HE always is in control, and that no matter what all will be ok. I am so thankful to have Sam here, and to have the constant reminder that God truly does answer our prayers perfectly.